This is a humorous essay that my good friend, Patrick McCarthy wrote. Patrick and I are old friends, going back to Mrs. Jacobchick’s fourth grade class at dear old Chapel Hill School. It is my honor to premier this great essay that Patrick most recently wrote.
By Patrick McCarthy
When I was young, 65 was old people territory. As I got closer to that number, I was starting to hear things like” 60 is the new 40” and “age is just a number”. Well, come folks, let’s face facts. 65 is the new 65.
For the last few years, I’ve been feeling all kinds of aches and pains that I never felt before: bones, muscles, knees, back etc. So I thought that perhaps it’s time to get a physical; it’s been 15 years since I had my last.
So, with my Medicare card in hand, off to the doctor I go. A series of tests follow: MRI, pet scan, cat scan, blood work, pee in a bottle and poop in well… you get the picture, as unsightly as it is.
“Do you smoke? Do you exercise? Do you have feelings of doom and gloom”? This is just the beginning of a series of questions thrown at me. The list goes on and I’m afraid that if I answer some truthfully, I will either be arrested or institutionalized.
So, most of the results have come back and for the most part, I’m normal. Normal? Is this what normal is supposed to feel like? Now I know why old people don’t smile.
OK, enough of the doctor stuff. Now that I am retired, I need to find things to do to keep occupied and stay in shape. Does walking the dog twice a day count? How about taking out the trash?
So, off to the senior center I go. I explain I’m kinda new at this, where do I start? So the nice girl hands me a brochure and starts to tell me about all the programs available to senior citizens (wait, I’m a senior citizen?). There are all kinds of programs for us folks. There’s senior softball (have you ever seen me play softball?) There are pot lucks, music programs, including a kazoo orchestra. A kazoo orchestra, seriously? Let’s not forget quilting classes, pottery and pickle ball. I still don’t know what pickle ball is – I’m almost afraid to ask. Then there is bingo, how to grow your roses, and accordion concerts. Whatever happened to Grand Funk?
So I looked through the catalogue and decided on senior golf. I have played with friends for the last few years, and have always been bad, but what the heck.
Further on in the catalogue, I see that they offer bus tours including trips to the casinos. You know the kind, you’ve seen them. A bunch of old people going on a bus tour – I used to say “ look at that bus with old people going to the casino”. Guess what? That’s me! How did this happen?
Gotta go now. I’m about to book a cruise that will take me and 100 other old people to faraway places in other countries. Just hope I have all my meds.